A how-to guide to remove the numbing shell from childhood (for Kat):
Removing the shell is a long and winding road.
Say yes to everything that scares you, love, listen and befriend all parts of your self, no matter how unacceptable they feel.
Put yourself in new environments with different people, they will show you who you are and who you no longer are.
Listen to your body: if it needs to cry for 5 years, let it. If it needs to dance like a maniac, do it. If isolation is the balm, trust it.
If you need to end relationships that seem right but feel wrong, let them go. This will be terrifying, but eventually other people will come and change will happen.
Inner growth may seem stagnant at times, but if you pay attention and honor your inner longings, you will move forward and mature. None of this can be rushed. No part can be skipped.
Lean into feeing everything you feel: feelings that are felt and acknowledged will pass.
Don’t avoid yourself, in you is your greatest teacher. She is your own unique life force moving you forward.
Breaking away from your culture, and from the person you thought you were is painful and frightening. Most of the time, your mind will tell you you are insane, but the impulse to be you and to be free is always stronger. Trust it, even if it disrupts everything in your known world.
The gift of removing the shell is that you can now feel life and you are now connected to who you are (life force itself).
At first, living exposed feels raw, as if you’ve walked out mid-heart surgery, chest open, bloody. The light is too bright. Tears flow too freely, anger (a stranger, you forgot lived inside you) rears up often and deep love (for people, plants, cats, books and walks) overwhelms you. But slowly, as your breath deepens, your eyes adjust to bright light, and you learn to inhabit your feeling body, a newborn dance begins.
Flight.
Acrylic on paper.
7.99” by 10.43” (20.3 cm by 26.5 cm).