In an interview I was given years ago, I replied that in order to become an artist, I had to stop living my life through others. I meant it as a criticism to a weakness I perceived within me, but the truth was more complex. I lived my life through others because that’s how I coped as a child. I was a caretaker, I repressed my needs in order to care for other people. I became compliant and never angry, at least not towards others. This is how I received love.
The price I paid was a depression that nearly killed me. Now I am learning to listen to what I feel and let it be. Let anger be, allow sadness, allow joy. I am becoming more spacious inside. I am a wider container: ignoring less, enjoying more. I am less afraid of what I feel, because it is a healthy expression of who I am. I know now that I am complete with my anger, with sadness and fear. I don’t need to swallow anything down, I don’t have to toughen up and control outcomes to insure I get my needs met. This greater space inside feels like a greater connection to life.
I feel safe knowing that I will not ignore my own needs. I feel safe knowing that I will not put the needs of others above mine. There is a sadness behind this thought. There’s a scared girl inside me that has survived. She is still cold and tired. I guess this is what recovery means. To warm myself with kindness.
Sacred Tunnel Ring.
Handmade with lapis lazuli and recycled sterling silver.
Soon in my online shop.